I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
