I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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