Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
