They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
