I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
