A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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