I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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