i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
