I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Randomize
