How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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