1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
