i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
