Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
