I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
