In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
