just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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