24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
