I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
