I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
