Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
