My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Randomize
