Yo dont text me then not text me
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
