it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize