the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
