Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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