Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
