Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
