i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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