he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
