i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He better not be in your backpack
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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