Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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