he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
