How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
