i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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