My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
