my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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