It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
