i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
