my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
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