It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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