the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
