She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
