My hand turned me down
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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