Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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