Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
