so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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