Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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