so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
