i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
