he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
