Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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