The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
pray to the hookup gods
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
