After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
