I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
