can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
