Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
