and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
