Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
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