She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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