i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm like, not good at living.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I did not marry a roomba.
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